I try to make these things as uplifting or at least as mildly entertaining as I can- maybe that's why I haven't written one in a while. No, that's not true. I have been happy and I think more or less I'm okay right now. It just seems like everything around me is not so much.
I have this problem- it's a very selfish problem. I have a need to fix things, people, situations- if it's broken I want to fix it. Unless it's me and then I like to live in denial thank you very much- well maybe not denial just peaceful oblivion. I like people to be happy, especially people I care about or people who cannot defend themselves. I don't like people to be stressed out or to face undue hardships. So essentially I want to prevent life- well prevent life from causing pain.
I heard over the radio this morning, while I was having my oatmeal and tea, that Haiti was hit by another earthquake. I take time to absorb this horrific news, a moment of silence for those already suffering who will continue to suffer more, and then I eat my breakfast.
The other night, I spoke to my best friend from back home. Her boyfriend's mother is scheduled for surgery to remove part of her lung due to cancer. She absorbs all of his pain that he can't adequately express without making her feel like she is all that is wrong in his life. She knows he's just lashing out in pain, but she doesn't know how many more lashes she can take.
The night before last, I took a two hour ride to provide counseling to two young girls. I was supposed to convince them to stay in school and not run off with their boyfriends or go to work in the village brothel. They are thirteen. The average age to drop out of school and start a family is fourteen. They were nowhere to be found.
From there I was driven another hour to counsel a young couple who have become sexually active and are having issues with domestic violence. She is thirteen and he is fifteen.
Then, there was an emergency call. Three children were found abandoned. Their mother had gone drinking a few days before and never returned home. Nobody knows if there is a father to speak of. We drove them to a children's home two hours away. They seemed happy. They fell asleep on the ride. We held them to us to make them feel safe, to make us feel better about the sores and scars on their little bodies.
On the ride home, one of the women I work with asked me if I would like to go and volunteer in Haiti. I said yes before I could think about it. After, I thought about it, beyond the obvious reasons of wanting to help those so greatly in need, I realized I wanted to do something, anything to make it better- something tangible that I could see. So I could feel like I was making a difference. God, that sounds selfish doesn't it.
These are the times, when everything seems so hopeless and insurmountable, that you want to cling to those around you and be grateful for what God has given you. I think what has me so soul-sick, so lonely is the fact that everyone, that all of these people- the ones they cling to can't help them at all.