Excuse me, have you seen my comfort zone?

Well in my early days as a Peace Corps trainee, I would joke that Peace Corps has prepared me for two things- packing and waiting. It seemed that we were always going from one place to another, shuffling along the way- a hotel stay here, then off to training sites, back to the capitol, back to our sites, off to visit other volunteers. Here to there, back and forth- await further instructions slowly eroding at our self will coddling us into the false sense of security brought about with a detailed itinerary and then we were sworn in as Peace Corps volunteers and the schedule stopped...
So here I am with my second host family in a new town with a new, pretty undefined job description trying to figure out who I am and what the hell I'm doing here. Hello, comfort zone, where are you?
Cut to a month later... Comfort zone is still nowhere in sight, but sometimes that's nice. Don't get me wrong, I like to be lulled to sleep by the peaceful monotony of routine foreknowledge. I like to be able to go home and not have four pikni (kids) hanging off of me, all piling into my bed with their dirty feet touching all of my things. To be able to leisurely go to the bathroom without having at least one child knocking on the door would be nice. "Ms. Christine, what are you doing in there?" "Going to the bathroom." "Can I come in?" "No, honey, I'll be right out." "Ms. Christine, I want to come in." I'm sure my digestive system would benefit from a little peace. I enjoy not having to feign enthusiasm over fish heads and pig tails. I would love to take at least a lukewarm shower and shave my legs without goose bumps. Or to show up to work and have an idea of what I'm doing so that I can prepare for the day rather than be thrown into uncomfortable and sometimes unethical situations.
But that's not what I signed up for. I get 'The Question' pretty often, 'why did you join the Peace Corps?" and the answer is rarely ever the same. One of the main reasons though, one of the selfish reasons, is that I wanted to push myself as far outside of my comfort zone as I possibly could. I wanted unknown surroundings, people, places and things. I wanted, and still want to, evaluate my life without the haze of monotony. For me, it was getting to the point that who I was was defined by the people around me, by constructs that had been in place for years. Perceptions became truths that were accepted with minimal resistance. Those truths became tethers that kept me grounded, connected, but stagnant too. Kazantzakis said that everyone should be just a little bit mad, otherwise you'll never cut the tie that binds and truly be free.
So if you do come across my comfort zone out there, keep it. I don't need it anymore. I'm creating new comforts and new truths for myself. And when those truths become too familiar, I guess I'll just have to cut the string again.

File this under adaptation

I'll start off with a little background- in Belize they are gearing up for Garifuna settlement day. This is the day when African tribes came to Dangriga, Belize and other areas of Central America. The Garifuna people were shipwrecked and escaped slaves. It is a celebration of Garifuna culture and heritage. So far there have been dance competitions and a pageant to select the young girl who will represent each district in the national competition.
The dance competition, a few nights ago, was to select a joncunoo or oniwaga dancer. This dancer is special because it is a lone male who sets the pace for the drums. Perhaps the most interesting part of this is the fact that the drummers must follow the dancers feet, but for me it was the fact that the dancers are all in 'white face'. From what I was told, it is meant to mock the dancing styles of the slave masters. I did not find this offensive or uncomfortable because I've never been anyone's master and I can dance. Even though I was only one of two white people in attendance, I felt, if not wanted than, accepted. I am fully aware of the fact that white people have done 'black face' and that this is no longer culturally acceptable, but the circumstances here are well 'special'. And to quote the puppet from Avenue Q, “everyone's just a little bit racist”.
So why am I even bringing this up? Why is this noteworthy? Where is the adaptation? Well that happened on the next night. On my way to the Ms. Garifuna Peini contest, walking with a friend, a man on a street corner yelled out to us various messages of hate.. “white devils, blue eyed devils (my eyes are brown, my friends are hazel), rednecks (surely he couldn't tell by the way I walk that I'm from the south) and then he said “you should pay for what your people have done to my people”. Those of you who know me can imagine that my tongue was bleeding at this point from biting it so hard. My friend asked me to please not say anything to make the situation worse, so I swallowed it.
We went on to the pageant and again I felt accepted. We joined hands for the Our Father and I felt calm again. Throughout the pageant the girls danced and spoke about their culture in the Garifuna language. The children from my friend's host family came to play with us and everyone was having a good time. Then it moved to the portion of the program where the contestants express their feelings about their culture. After each girl spoke the announcer would translate portions of the speech. The main theme in all speeches was 'we must stop the adoption of other cultures, we must not dilute our race, we must not allow inter-marriage'. This was met with a great deal of applause. Now on one hand I can understand cultural heritage and pride, but applause for racial purity, no matter what the race does not sit right with me.

Unfortunately, that day was fraught with racial ickiness as earlier in the day, while trying to find the cartoon channel for my host sister, I came upon 'The Longest Yard' . It was the scene where the white guard is being despicable to a black inmate and the line is something like 'you know why you all call each other brother? It's because most of you don't know who your daddy is so you might be brothers'. Hearing that made my stomach turn. Growing up in the south where racism is not as well hidden as in other parts of the country, I have been witness to this kind of hatred and cruelty. I have also been on what I considered the other side of it, a victim of reverse racism. It was not until the other night when I got a tiny glimpse of what that truly feels like- to not be respected, to not be wanted or accepted. I know that I have no idea what racism truly feels like. I know that my white skin born in the United States to educated parents will never feel more than a glancing blow of true hatred, but I can recognize it.
I would like to say that racism while directed towards people should not be taken personally, that it has been cultivated over centuries having been fed on fear and ignorance, but that would be too easy. There is a reason why most racist people say they have a friend of another color because they probably do because if you look at people on a personal level you can't hate or condemn them for broad sweeping generalizations. Regardless of your beliefs, whether you believe Big Bang theory or Creationism, we all came from the same place and we will one day return to that place.
So how have I adapted? I stayed. I remained present and will continue to be present and I will work to show the people around me that whether you like me or not it won't have anything to do with the color of my skin. By not retreating to a place that feels comfortable and safe, that's how I'm trying to adapt.